Monday, August 16, 2010

How do I get past my Hubby texting younger single female friends?

My husband is 41 years old, works as an EMT and just recently started back to school to become a Paramedic and refers to this single 20 yr. old girl as his ';school buddy';. I have never met her but have seen her profile on FB and she is a very attractive girl. My hubby is very outgoing, friendly and yes at times flirty and loves to meet new people and make new friends. I suggested that he introduce her to our 18 year old son and he refused basically saying our son, he has had some problems, needed to grow up first and more or less wasn't good enough for any of his female friends and he didn't want it to come back and bite him in the *** if it didn't work out. He says that their texting and calls are harmless. I had looked at his texts once before a few months ago and saw what I considered to be a suspicious text to a single female co-worker, also in her 20's, that I do not know. It was a message that read, ';Hope you get well soon'; with a heart and XOXOXOXO. When I confronted him about it he flipped out and told me it was a joke towards her 'cause she is always whining about no one caring and I was reading something into it that wasn't there and he thought it was a sweet and considerate gesture on his part and that I had no business going through HIS phone and told me if I didn't change my attitude it was only going to lead to divorce because he is sick of me being suspicious. When this new girl started texting and I questioned it he told me I might misread something into the messages if I didn't know what the message was all about and I told him it wouldn't be hard to find out what they were about if the outgoing and incoming texts were checked, I know stupid on my part. A couple of days ago he told me he had no problem with me going through his phone but when I did he has been deleting all sent and received messages by these other women. We have been together for 14 years, married for 2 1/2, and as far as I know he has never cheated on me. He tells me how much he loves me and I am the only one for him but then when I bring up how much the texting other women, especially young single ones that I do not know, upsets and offends me he tells me I am being ridiculous and I'm just going to have to get over it or I'll drive myself crazy. He has been my best friend for so long and I am always afraid of someone else taking that away from me. I hate feeling this way and don't know how to get past it.How do I get past my Hubby texting younger single female friends?
Accidentally drop his phone in the toilet.How do I get past my Hubby texting younger single female friends?
There's no reason he should be texting single, female co-workers unless it concerns work or school. Period.
You just have to learn to trust him. If he really loved you he wouldn't be doing anything that he shouldn't be. Are you insecure of his feelings for you, because thats really common. If he doesn't love you and he is doing things with those girls that he shouldn't be, then he doesn't deserve you. You did nothing wrong, and it's not your fault. Ask him about it, tell him that your a little insecure. Tell him to prove his love.
I understand the way your feeling , if it were my husband I would be concerned too , but thats me ...Maybe he is faithful and doing nothing BUT when it comes to him deleting texts etc thats weird and concerning..good luck
As a former EMT and I would be very weary of other EMT's because of the High stress everyone is in.


MY experience is the EMT';s on MY rig were total dirt bags, they would talk crap about there wives, flirt with other girls and have the Bros before Hoes mentality. I am NOT saying your husband is like this but in my field, alot were cheating dirt bags because of the stress of the job. Being on call 12-24 hours a day, dealing with sick babies, injured kids, gun violence etc really took a toll on people.


Then having to go home to a spouse and have them ';ask about your day'; and not really understand the stress.





If I didn't find a different career, My marriage would of not last. I always brought my work home with me and our marriage suffered. I was told by other's paramedic's and EMTs that divorce was very high in the field do to the stress and I believe it.





I got caught up with an older EMT in his 40s when I was in my 20s. I never cheated on my husband but we did text back and fourth alot. We had the job in common which our spouses didn't get, It was nice to have someone else to talk to about the stress of the job. I had to cut off ALL contact before I could make a very dumb choice that could of runined my marriage because our ';friendship'; could of turned into something more then a friendship.





Go with your gut, as a female on the otherside, I would be very careful.
Whoa! Usually when men have ';friends'; those women are just for back up. If something happens between you and your hubby, he would most likely run on to a female ';friend';. Men always say us women are over reacting when it comes to things like this. Don't care so much because he's the DUMB one. Maybe you need a friend you can talk to. (just a suggestion)
The deleting the texts part? Yeah, that part - that is his way to hide his activities. That is the action I would be worried about, given what you've told us so far. He has been caught and confronted about texting other women; now he is escalating his behavior. He is now being secretive. If it was all on the up-and-up, there would be no need to ';hide'; (delete) the texts.... right?





The relationships with single women is a no-no. Remind him about ';Forsaking all others'; - what does that mean to him. Tell him what it means to you, and to the success of your marriage. And what would he say to you if you were doing the exact same behaviors?
Sorry, I didn't read your entire question. Just too long! But to answer your main question: You don't get ';past it.'; You tell him you don't like it and want it stopped. That's it.
Your husband is married. To you. No one else.





He's half this girls age. He's feeling the male ';menopause.'; Lots of guys are like this at 41 to about 48. Then it wears off. Usually the wife has had enough and is gone.





The feelings you have are normal. Who wants to share her husband with a 20 year old. And the fact he doesn't want your son to be a friend to this girl who is closer in age than your husband is Absolutely nuts.





Ask your husband is it ok for you to have 20 year old boys calling and texting you. How would he feel about that? Now the shoe is on the other foot.





Hopefully he will stop this nonsense and act his age.





Always have a back up plan. If you are working, save your cash. So when Romeo wants to leave you have enough to live on and your son.
I wouldn't just get over it -- there is something up when a guy gets all silly over female classmates. Maybe he's going through some mid-life crisis? Whatever it is, he really needs to pay more attention to attaining his EMT degree, and his family(you).
He shouldn't be texting any women unless they are relatives or it's job related.
I guess he wants you to trust him without having to check his messages which I guess is reasonable, but that he is deleting the texts indicates to me that there is something fishy going on. If he felt he was doing nothing wrong then he wouldn't feel the need to be hiding anything.





The comment about you dropping the issue with the co worker and changing your attitude or he threatens divorce also makes me think ';red flag';.





If my husband was texting young single females and didn't want me to see what they were texting I'd be mighty suspicious. The fact that he thinks that you might misinterpret something they are texting about makes me think that he and they are writing things that could be misinterpreted, or more than likely, seen for what it really is. To flirt when you are in a public place is one thing. To have someone's number and flirt in private gives me cause to ';red flag'; again.





If he thinks that his texts are innocent fun, that these girls are just school buddies, then he should have no problem with you meeting them and reading texts he is sending and receiving.





To play devil's advocate, maybe he is just being friendly but I don't see why he would be needing to delete texts unless he just doesn't want it to be an issue.





I guess what it really comes down to is what you are prepared to put up with. Doesn't sound as if he is looking to change his behavior, so you either need to let it go and try to not think about what he 'might' be doing or you can call him out and tell him you don't like what he's doing. I personally don't feel he is being fair to you. Either way, this doesn't sound like a good thing in the long term. This will either eat away at you, feeling that he might be getting up to something but never knowing for sure and creating friction. Or you can keep asking him what is going on and he can keep intimidating you by threatening divorce any time he doesn't want to let you in on what he is doing.


It's time to draw your line in the sand. If you don't like him texting and calling these girls, tell him you don't feel comfortable with it. Ask him why he needs to interact in secret with these younger girls. Tell him you feel he is doing more than having innocent chats with his school buddy and if he is being as innocent as he makes out he is being then he should have no trouble in proving it to you.


I would hate to be in the same situation, being with my best friend for 14 years and suspecting he is up to no good would be heart wrenching. Ultimately, your choice is between you and him. Take care of you and tell him you don't like what he is doing and ask him to stop and potentially lose him or let him do what he is doing and potentially lose him anyway because the stress will take it's toll on you and it will create more arguments until you both can't take it anymore.





Maybe marriage counseling may help in airing these issues in a safe environment where there is someone else sitting by to tell him that what he is doing doesn't inspire a lot of trust.





Truly, best wishes. I really feel for you!
All of his behavior sounds suspicious, the texting, the getting defensive, the erasing texts. It sounds like you need to find out for sure. Don't mention this issue again for a few weeks. Lull him into thinking you have forgotten about it. Then, sometime when he is off guard, check the texts, like when he goes to take a shower. Check several times over a month. My guess is that you will catch some inappropriate talk...which DOESN'T mean anything is physically happening, but at least you can get proof and he will come off his high horse.

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